NRI Meet
Navratri, Durga Puja, Diwali, Christmas, and then the wedding season that follows. Different festivals, different families, and the same question from every relative within ten minutes of arriving: so, when are you getting married?
For NRI singles it might come on a video call home with half the family on speaker, at a community Diwali event abroad, or in person on a trip back for a cousin’s wedding. The setting changes. The question does not.
It is almost never meant unkindly. It comes from habit, affection, and a generation for whom marriage was the milestone that meant a life was on track. That does not make it any less tiring the fifteenth time. A little preparation makes it much easier to handle, and much easier to enjoy the rest of the season.
Why the question keeps coming
It helps to understand what is behind it.
It is the default small talk. For many older relatives, asking about marriage is what asking about the weather is for everyone else. It fills a gap.
It is often about your parents. Relatives may be asking on your parents’ behalf, or measuring your family against their own. Your answer is not really the point.
Distance fills gaps with guesses. When you live abroad, relatives see you once a year. In the absence of information, they assume: you are too focused on work, too picky, secretly dating someone unsuitable. A calm, cheerful answer replaces the guess.
Comparison is in the air. Festival season is when engagements get announced and cousins arrive with new partners. Everyone is counting, whether they mean to or not.
None of this is about you failing at anything. It is about other people’s expectations, which you are not obliged to meet on their timetable.
Before the season: talk to your parents first
This is the single most useful thing you can do, and the easiest to skip.
Have a short conversation with your parents before the gatherings start:
- Agree what can be shared. Are you happy for them to say you are looking, that you are seeing someone, or nothing at all?
- Ask them not to discuss it in front of others. Many parents do not realise how it feels to be discussed across a room.
- Give them a line. “We’ve left that one to them. They’ll tell us when there’s news” ends most conversations, and gives your parents something to say that saves face for everyone.
- Reassure them. Parents often push hardest when they feel shut out. A little information in private buys a lot of peace in public.
Our guide to talking to Indian parents about dating covers the longer version of this conversation.
Answers that work
The best answer is short, true, warm and followed by a question back. You are not trying to win. You are trying to move the conversation on pleasantly.
The light deflection: “When it happens, you’ll be the first to know. Now, tell me about your trip.”
The honest version: “I’m looking, and I’d rather wait for the right person than rush it.”
If you are seeing someone but not ready to share: “Nothing to announce yet!” It is true, and nobody can argue with it.
With a little humour: “I’m waiting for an auspicious muhurat.” Older relatives tend to enjoy this one.
For the relative who asks every year: “Aunty, I promise, when there’s news, you’ll hear it from me.”
When it gets personal: If the comments move on to your age, your weight or what will happen if you “leave it too late”, you are allowed to close it down: “I know you mean well, but I’d rather not talk about it today.” Then go and refill your plate.
A few things help whichever line you use. Answer once, then change the subject. Do not over-explain, because every detail you offer becomes a new question. And keep your tone warm. A cheerful non-answer ends a conversation; a defensive one starts a debate.
When relatives bring biodatas
Festival season is also when matches get suggested. An aunty mentions a colleague’s son in Melbourne, or a printed biodata appears after dinner.
You do not have to decide anything on the spot. “Thank you, I’ll have a look in my own time” is polite and commits you to nothing. If you are open to family introductions, they can be a perfectly good way to meet someone, alongside everything else. Our post on the middle ground between arranged marriage and dating covers how to combine the two on your own terms.
If you do follow up, treat it like any other introduction: a conversation first, then a video call, then a meeting when you are ready.
Video calls home
For many NRIs, festival day itself happens on a screen: the family gathered around a phone in someone’s living room, everyone taking a turn.
A few things make these calls easier. Join after you have eaten, not hungry and tired. Decide in advance roughly how long you will stay on. And have a natural reason to leave ready: you are heading to a friend’s place, or helping with the cooking at your end. “I’ll call you properly tomorrow, Amma” is a perfectly good way to end a call that has taken a turn.
Weddings, as a single guest
Wedding season can be the hardest stretch. You are surrounded by a celebration of the exact thing everyone keeps asking you about.
Go anyway, and go for the right reasons: the family, the food and the dancing. Bring a friend if a plus one is allowed. Spend time with the cousins and friends you rarely see. And remember that weddings are, quietly, one of the oldest places people meet. Plenty of couples were introduced at someone else’s.
Use the season for yourself
Festival season abroad is one of the best times of year to meet people, because communities that are scattered for most of the year come together.
Diwali melas, garba and dandiya nights, Durga Puja celebrations, Christmas services and New Year events draw people from across a city, and many of them need volunteers. Helping to run something is a far easier way to meet people than standing at the edge of the room. Our guide to meeting Indian singles abroad covers community events and other options.
Look after yourself
- Plan time with friends, not just family. A dinner with people who do not ask about your marriage plans resets a lot.
- Keep some of your own routine. A run, a gym class, an hour with a book.
- Mute generously. Engagement announcements tend to arrive in clusters at this time of year, and it is fine to scroll past.
- Skip things if you need to. You do not have to attend every gathering to show that you care.
And if it gets heavy, remember that the question is about the asker’s expectations, not about your worth.
The short version
Talk to your parents before the gatherings and agree what they will say. Have one or two short, warm answers ready, give them once, and then ask a question back. Take biodatas politely and decide later. Keep calls home to a length you can enjoy, go to the weddings for the fun of it, and use community events to meet people.
The question is coming either way. A little preparation means it takes ten seconds rather than ten minutes.
And if you would like a different answer by next year, NRI Meet is free on iOS and Android.
Frequently asked questions
What is a good answer to 'When are you getting married?'
Something short, warm and true that closes the topic, followed by a question back. For example: 'When I meet the right person, and I'm looking. Anyway, tell me about your trip.' The aim is not to win the exchange but to end it pleasantly.
How do I stop my parents bringing up marriage in front of relatives?
Talk to them before the gathering, not during it. Tell them what you are happy for them to share, ask them not to discuss it in front of others, and give them an easy line to use when someone asks. Parents tend to push hardest when they feel they have no information.
What should I do if relatives keep suggesting matches?
Thank them, take the details if you are open to it, and say you will have a look in your own time. You are under no obligation to meet anyone, and a polite 'I'll have a look' ends most of these conversations without offence.
Is it normal to feel low during festivals when you are single?
Very. Festivals concentrate family, comparison and memories of past years into a few days. Plan time with friends, keep some of your own routines, and remember that the question says more about the asker's expectations than about you.
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